welcome to my wonderland

You touch my heart with the things you say, the things you do, the songs you send me, the pictures you send me, the way you smile, the way you talk,walk, the way you are.. and all of that without noticing it.

Becoming godmother in summer

I’m going to become the godmother of my sisters son in the summer! I’m so happy and honored that she trusts me to let me be it! I already love her son, Jayden.. and I’ll love his little brother as much as I love him. The kid isn’t even born yet and I already love him haha.. 

When my godchild will be older, I’ll make a photoshoot with the 2 handsome kiddos. Love them both so much! 

Ugh.

The finals need to be over, so I can have time to work out. I’m feeling fat and lazy. I want to work out, exercise and look good again. I want to be skinny! I look disgusting even my face is getting fatter! Ugh. I hate this.. How closer those finals come, the more I eat and it’s not good at all. When the finals are over, I’m gonna be working out so I’ll look good in my bikini for summer.

Funny talk

Today I had such a funny and weird convo with Jazz. She’s fucking funny, whenever I’m around her I am literally laughing out loud, because damn she got that humor. Yes she do, haha. 

So we were talking about love first and then the period after you break up with someone. And we were like talking and we came to this weird, but actually a fact. All girls call other girls sluts when they kiss many guys at parties or whatever, but most of the time them girls have done it themselfs, do it themselves or want to do it. It’s just a fact! Sometimes we girls want to not give a fuck and go to a party and just kiss one random handsome guy, because we can, because we’re single. Sometimes we girls want to act like a slut, because in that particular moment we just don’t give a single fuck. We won’t give a fuck about what people will say, what people will think, we won’t give A SHIT. 

Most of the time when we want to be slutty is when we just broke up with someone or when we’re horny hahaha. It’s true, I won’t deny. Lately I’m horny ALOT! But yeah, gotta keep it inside, because I have no boyfriend. Damn I need sex haha. Never thought I’d say that. Seriously, I was that cute, sweet virgin and now I’m that horny bitch that wants sex all the fucking time.. AAARGH what sex can do to you. hahahaha

yeaaaa that’s it. bye xoxo

Goals and changes..

I’m getting better, I can feel it. I’m not feeling down that often anymore. Well sometimes I still do, but it’s diminishing. I don’t feel so empty and useless anymore. I’m being more positive and rather happy. I’m becoming myself again. I’m rebuilding my self-confidence. I’m starting to like myself again more and more. 

And still there are some things I want to improve about myself. I want to get fitter and skinnier before I’m going to Calella, so I can wear my bikini and be proud of myself. I want healthier hair, so when the exams are finished I’m going to the barber and cut my hair shorter. Not really, really short, because then I’d probably regret it. But still short for my doing. Also after exams I’m going to start exercising every day and go ride my bike, take a walk, jog,.. etc. I’m also going to learn how to ride my car, because for my 18th birthday which was yesterday I got a MINI ONE (mini cooper). I love it! And ofcourse I’m going to party hard and enjoy my summer. 

Exams are coming up and actually I’m not doing well. I haven’t really done much and postponing everything. Today that’s going to change. In a couple minutes I’m going to start with summarizing science. 

And I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about him anymore, but I just have to. Still when I hear someone say his name or when I see his name appearing on facebook, it’s still so hard to not start crying. Like I don’t want him back, but it’s still heartbreaking because I really loved him and he was my first. He will always be special to me although he hurted me. I had contact with him again yesterday. On chat he thanked me for inviting him to my birthdayparty on the end of the summer and I said “you’re welcome :)”. That was the end of that convo. After a couple minutes he wrote on my timeline saying “Gelulkkige verjaardag” instead of ‘gelukkige verjaardag’; which means Happy birthday. Because he had written it wrong, I corrected him and thanked him. He said ” yea I wrote it wrong, deal with it ;)”.. I think we’ll be friends again in summer. Probably in Calella we will see eachother alot, but we will never be together again. Because I can’t trust him. I don’t know what’s going to happen in Spain, but whatever happens over there, will stay there and nobody may never know. 

That’s it for today. I won’t be posting a lot the next couple of weeks because of the exams coming up. But I’ll be back! <3 

loves Axelle

Lately..

I’m feeling empty. I don’t really know what’s wrong with me, like I try to be happy and be positive, the way I used to be. I was naturally happy and positive, but I’m feeling sad and down so easily lately and I want it to stop. It’s like I don’t know myself anymore, it’s like I’m another person and I don’t like this girl, she’s negative and sad. She’s empty inside, she seems so useless. This just ain’t me. What am I doing to myself? What am I becoming? Who am I?

This has to stop. I’m constantly letting myself down, breaking myself down and letting people hurt me. I have to be strong again, I have to keep on moving, keep my head up and don’t give a fuck. I have to be positive again and happy!

I need more positive quotes, I need more positive vibes,.. I’m going to get better. I’m going to be alright, right? If this doesn’t change I don’t know what I’ll become.. maybe a plant, not a beautiful one. That plant that you forget to give attention (water and sun), that plant that rottens from inside and slowly but surely you start to see the plant rot on the outside to and that’s when you throw it away. I don’t want to be that plant! I want to be like a tree in the park. That one tree that becomes really big and beautiful. That tree where all the couples have their first, second, third,… dates or where families hang out or that tree where all the kids climb into.. I want to be that tree that can see all the beautiful things in life and grow old just the way I want.

Don’t ask me why I used a plant and a tree to express what I feel, I don’t know how it got here, I don’t even know how it got in my mind. I just thought about at this particular moment and had to write it down.

Some news:

I’m going to pukkelpop in the summer with Claire, Laurence, Jazz, Lauren, Gauthier, Benjamin, Alen and Roan. Do you know what I find stupid? Normally my friends of the 6th grade were coming with us, but they don’t want to have contact with my friends of the 5th grade so they’re camping on the same camping as us, just another place. Ridiculous I find it. Their choice, I’m going to have the time of my life. I’ll see them on the festivalfield probably.

That’s it for tonight xoxo

I’m doing all the things I used to say I’d never do, I’m becoming the person I used to say I’d never be..

I miss the person you were when we were together, I miss the way we teased eachother when we were hanging out together, I miss your hugs, kisses, touches, I miss going through your hair when you just got back from the barber, I miss the way your right eye stands a lil bit lower than your left, I miss your stupid laugh, I miss us sitting on the couch making comments on everything and everyone on tv, I miss sitting on your lap on your terrace watching the view of the schelde.. Would you remember that in that moment you told me that you could sit there forever with me and never ever leave, because back then you loved me.. well atleast that’s what you said to me.

And eventhough I miss all these things and I still love and care about you, I dont want us to be together, because you hurted me and I’ll never be able to trust you again.